So tell me, how is it that we are supposed to know that we are doing the right thing? This job of being a parent, is one that I have been doing for over 18 years now. There have been many countless experiences of feeling like I don't know if I am doing it correctly or not. Should I let him cry it out or should I pick him up (of course I picked him up). Should I send him to school when he is 4 and extremely shy or wait until the next year? I waited and he was more than eager and ready to go. Should I let him eat sugar and junk food and watch t.v.? No sugar for 3 years, very little junk food while I could control it, and only PBS for a long time. I loved more than anything else in my entire life the fact that I could stay home and participate fully in my son's childhood. I thank all of the people and circumstances that should be thanked for that opportunity.

I thought early childhood was tough, but then came the teenage years. The struggle has seemed endless. There has been very little "fun" in the high school years. Lots of disappointments and angst. My son, who I have always called a Renaissance Boy, has such diverse interests and such depth to him, that he has been bored out of his socks most of his time in school. He could care less about most of what is being taught. I totally get where he is coming from--I am exactly the same way. I don't like people talking at me and telling me what to do or what to study--especially all of those heinous endless wars that we keep getting ourselves into. I always wanted to go out in the field for instance, and get my hands dirty and learn about how to plant the seedlings and nurture them to harvest. Or purchase, measure and bake the ingredients into a hearty, healthy loaf of bread. I  always have and still do want to experience life--right now! 


So, here we are, we have dragged ourselves through most of his senior year of high school. The torture of getting the college applications done was completed. An amazingly interesting, progressive college accepted my son and they offered him a scholarship. We went to visit and he seemed genuinely excited. The problem was though, he was doing it all for us. Trying to please his parents and feeling like he didn't have a voice.

And now, it has all spilled over and feels like the bottom has fallen out. Not only does he not want to go to college, but he doesn't even want to finish high school.....6 weeks away and he doesn't want to go back. He can not tolerate ANOTHER MINUTE OF IT. Feels like he might lash out at someone he is so freaking bored out his mind......so what do we do? Actually, what can we do? He  is old enough to vote. He had to sign up for Selective Service (because it is the law) in order to qualify for those college scholarships. He drives and has traveled on his own to another country. He has worked for a number of years and buys all of his own musical equipment and clothing at this point.

Then I think, what about respect--my respect of him? What about the way I raised him to talk about how he feels--he is talking and his feelings are very strong.  Am I supposed to ignore those feelings he is expressing?  Does he have to graduate from high school? I don't think so. Would it be a good idea if he did? Of course it would...but what if he didn't?

Well, if he didn't something else would happen -- we just don't know what that is yet and it could be anything. He could very competently and not surprisingly land on his feet. The kid is a highly accomplished drummer. He has immense knowledge about music and art and lots of other diverse interests. He is a self proclaimed auto-didactic and has taught himself all of the things that feel really important to him. These wonderful qualities and traits are what make him the well rounded person that he is.

I will not abandon him. I will not drop him because he isn't following the status quo.
I will not do that.

This child is stretching and screaming and asking to be heard. I never had the guts or the balls or the confidence as a kid myself to shout out loud--"Hey, listen to me! I don't like this and I want to try it another way." Instead, I suffered in silence and as a result spent a good part of my life running away from reality. There is not one way to do anything...not one path...not one right or wrong. One Size Fits All does not exist in clothing, education or any other area of life. I have watched the spark go out of his eyes. I have seen the system and his experience in it take the light right out of him. I made many suggestions over the years about trying to do it another way, and was always met with anger and outrage by the society we are in. I received no support for my ideas. Eventually, I got tired from being the lone voice and got in line with the status quo and began the march--the conventional march towards the future. This is not a bad thing if you are comfortable in it and it works for you. But if you aren't and it doesn't, then it is an enormous burden.

So tonight, I break my silence of many months, having been bogged down by the day to day angst of this life, and say out loud: I have an open mind. Quality of life--today's life--is extremely important. Things generally work out in a way that is positive. I do believe, in spite of everything, that the universe is conspiring in my favor...I have to believe this.

And tomorrow, well, I will see what that brings.

I will continue, in spite of it all, to expect good things.