It is Dark in Here....

This has been a long day. It started @3:30 a.m. I was up and on my way to the airport by 4:00. Got the call late yesterday that my dad was in the hospital. My sister sobbing on the phone, talking about a heart attack. Felt like I was in a fog, arranging jobs, packing clothes, giving Ned directions on feeding the cats.

Arrived in Chicago @ 8:00 a.m. and came directly to the hospital with my sisters. If you haven't experienced it, there is something startling, scary, and very, very serious when you see one of your parents in a hospital bed. Dad looked sort of sunken, and tired and old. I often have to remind myself that my parents are getting old(er!). I always feel so fortunate that they are both still here. But to see one of them like this breaks my heart. The doctors and the entire staff @ Lutheran General Hospital have been nothing short of professional, informative and caring. Conor joined us later on and we discussed things like the will, last wishes, etc. Topics that need to be discussed.

The memories of my life, the overwhelming sadness of the situation, combined with the need to stay present....very, very present in this moment now. This is what we have. Dad with his children, gathered around him today. Laughing at his corny jokes, telling stories, long pauses of silence in between.

Now, the hospital room is dark. Outside, cars go by in the night, headlights leaving trails of light in the long exposure photo I took from the window. The machines working to record dad's blood pressure and heart rate are purring next to his bed. Gretel and Conor have gone home for the night. Ann and I are here, illuminated by our laptops in the dark of the hospital room. It has been a long day. Right now, this very moment, is all we can count on for now. I love my family.

Expect good things....

Grateful....

Marcello, Best Cat in the World, November 2010

We head home tomorrow. Leaving Nonna and Jerry again. Days full of laughing, playing cards, working on crafts and delicious food. The good news is we will see them again in less than a month. So grateful to spend time with my family; I miss them.

I hope that everyone had a happy, safe Thanksgiving.  I am grateful that I did.

Expect good things....

On the Road Again...

Ned @ The Delaware Water Gap, November 2010

Nothing much that I like better than getting in the car for a road trip. My favorite trip is to Central PA. Ned and I left Jim's @ 5:15 a.m. on Tuesday. There is always a sense of adventure @ the beginning of a drive. The anticipation of getting to Nonna's is full of this excitement. We left as early as we did so that we could get through the city before the real traffic insanity started. Even with this, there are a couple of spots that are so congested, that I don't even like the radio on when I am trying to maneuver through them!

We stopped @ the Delaware Water Gap rest area. The day was foggy, grey and damp. When you stand on the strip of beach @ the water's edge, the cars are loudly hissing by on the highway behind you. They all have a destination in mind and are heading toward it @ great speed. On this strangely warm November day however, the sound of the traffic was somehow muted by the sight of this silent, steady stream of water. Wide, shallow and peaceful from where I stood, it crept along with a purpose known only to itself.  It was mesmerizing. I thought of the centuries of people who had come before me and who had stood where I was standing.  I wondered about what they had thought when looking at this gorgeous gift called river.

Expect good things....

@ 17....

How did it happen that Ned turned 17? Where did the years go? I know where the days went: diapers and nursing, reading aloud, learning to walk and talk, building extravagant Lego structures, train tracks that filled up the entire first floor of the house, Harry Potter, hours and hours of drumming practice, listening to and discussing all genres of music, working on farms and in gardens, practicing driving and discussing what the future holds. 

Those were the days, but the years...what happened to the years? 

My pride and greatest joy....happy birthday Ned.

Ned & Nonna, 1994

Ned, 1996

Ned, 2004

Ned, 2007

Ned, 2010

Expect good things....