So tell me, how is it that we are supposed to know that we are doing the right thing? This job of being a parent, is one that I have been doing for over 18 years now. There have been many countless experiences of feeling like I don't know if I am doing it correctly or not. Should I let him cry it out or should I pick him up (of course I picked him up). Should I send him to school when he is 4 and extremely shy or wait until the next year? I waited and he was more than eager and ready to go. Should I let him eat sugar and junk food and watch t.v.? No sugar for 3 years, very little junk food while I could control it, and only PBS for a long time. I loved more than anything else in my entire life the fact that I could stay home and participate fully in my son's childhood. I thank all of the people and circumstances that should be thanked for that opportunity.

I thought early childhood was tough, but then came the teenage years. The struggle has seemed endless. There has been very little "fun" in the high school years. Lots of disappointments and angst. My son, who I have always called a Renaissance Boy, has such diverse interests and such depth to him, that he has been bored out of his socks most of his time in school. He could care less about most of what is being taught. I totally get where he is coming from--I am exactly the same way. I don't like people talking at me and telling me what to do or what to study--especially all of those heinous endless wars that we keep getting ourselves into. I always wanted to go out in the field for instance, and get my hands dirty and learn about how to plant the seedlings and nurture them to harvest. Or purchase, measure and bake the ingredients into a hearty, healthy loaf of bread. I  always have and still do want to experience life--right now! 


So, here we are, we have dragged ourselves through most of his senior year of high school. The torture of getting the college applications done was completed. An amazingly interesting, progressive college accepted my son and they offered him a scholarship. We went to visit and he seemed genuinely excited. The problem was though, he was doing it all for us. Trying to please his parents and feeling like he didn't have a voice.

And now, it has all spilled over and feels like the bottom has fallen out. Not only does he not want to go to college, but he doesn't even want to finish high school.....6 weeks away and he doesn't want to go back. He can not tolerate ANOTHER MINUTE OF IT. Feels like he might lash out at someone he is so freaking bored out his mind......so what do we do? Actually, what can we do? He  is old enough to vote. He had to sign up for Selective Service (because it is the law) in order to qualify for those college scholarships. He drives and has traveled on his own to another country. He has worked for a number of years and buys all of his own musical equipment and clothing at this point.

Then I think, what about respect--my respect of him? What about the way I raised him to talk about how he feels--he is talking and his feelings are very strong.  Am I supposed to ignore those feelings he is expressing?  Does he have to graduate from high school? I don't think so. Would it be a good idea if he did? Of course it would...but what if he didn't?

Well, if he didn't something else would happen -- we just don't know what that is yet and it could be anything. He could very competently and not surprisingly land on his feet. The kid is a highly accomplished drummer. He has immense knowledge about music and art and lots of other diverse interests. He is a self proclaimed auto-didactic and has taught himself all of the things that feel really important to him. These wonderful qualities and traits are what make him the well rounded person that he is.

I will not abandon him. I will not drop him because he isn't following the status quo.
I will not do that.

This child is stretching and screaming and asking to be heard. I never had the guts or the balls or the confidence as a kid myself to shout out loud--"Hey, listen to me! I don't like this and I want to try it another way." Instead, I suffered in silence and as a result spent a good part of my life running away from reality. There is not one way to do anything...not one path...not one right or wrong. One Size Fits All does not exist in clothing, education or any other area of life. I have watched the spark go out of his eyes. I have seen the system and his experience in it take the light right out of him. I made many suggestions over the years about trying to do it another way, and was always met with anger and outrage by the society we are in. I received no support for my ideas. Eventually, I got tired from being the lone voice and got in line with the status quo and began the march--the conventional march towards the future. This is not a bad thing if you are comfortable in it and it works for you. But if you aren't and it doesn't, then it is an enormous burden.

So tonight, I break my silence of many months, having been bogged down by the day to day angst of this life, and say out loud: I have an open mind. Quality of life--today's life--is extremely important. Things generally work out in a way that is positive. I do believe, in spite of everything, that the universe is conspiring in my favor...I have to believe this.

And tomorrow, well, I will see what that brings.

I will continue, in spite of it all, to expect good things.

John Philip Souza and The Town Dump

Today, I had to make a trip to the Town Dump. In my town, there is no public trash service. If you want your trash picked-up, you have to pay a private company to do it. Or, you can buy a sticker @ the Recycling Center (this sounds better than Town Dump!) for $100.00 a year and cart your own trash and recycling to them. This is what I opt for and so each week, I pile all my trash into the car and make the trip to the dump site. Today was an exceptionally warm November day; it is supposed to get close to 70 degrees. This type of temperature does not do any favors for week-old trash. After I finished piling everything into the car, I got inside and quickly rolled down the windows. The smell of it all is just appalling; I mean beyond words. Fortunately, it is a short trip.

I pull into the dump and give a hello to the guy sitting in the booth; he checks to make sure I have the proper sticker on my bumper and waves me through. I always think about that guy's job. I mean, consider this: he sits inside a small booth all day long and waves people through with their trash, no questions asked. The only reason you would be stopped is if you didn't have the appropriate sticker on your car and then you would have to pay a $15.00 fee. I suppose anyone could drive in with anything in their car and throw it away. Wow...I have seen too many Law & Orders to start thinking about that!

The dump itself is sort of a dump. There is a shabby butler-type building with rusty holes in the ceiling and all kinds of frightening looking, greasy stains on the cement floor. It is open on two sides: one side for people to walk in and the other side for the dumpsters to be moved in and out. There are always flocks of seagulls there, hanging around and waiting for any sort of thing they might consider eating. Pretty amazing to think how they have gone from open waters to garbage dumps....I guess that would be considered evolution.

I actually think that it is a good idea to take my own trash to the dump. I certainly think about what I am doing every time I go. I take my bags of trash and toss them over the side into the enormous, dirty containers with everyone else's garbage, and say to myself: What is going to happen to all of this? Where does it go? When you stand in front of an enormous bin the size of the bed on an 18-wheeler full of who-knows-how-many-pounds-of-garbage, it can give you pause if you let it. Especially if you are there on a day when they are moving out a full dumpster and bringing in an empty one for all the new trash. The best day to go to the dump to really get yourself thinking about this is December 26th. That is a perfect day to witness what a throw-away society we are. Think about that this year when you are buying wrapping paper....

So anyway, today I got out of the car and opened up the back end. As I began to unload, I heard a very loud rendition of John Philip Souza's march, The Stars and Stripes Forever. You know the song I mean; they play it at all things patriotic. And I mean LOUD, just plain blasting out of a tinny little radio coming from the booth inside the dump. Now this booth is where the guy usually sits who manages the people as they dump their trash into the bins. When he is not sitting in there, he walks around checking out what you have thrown away; makes sure the newspaper doesn't get thrown into the magazine dumpster and that sort of thing. Sometimes, I try to leave things on the side of the dumpster, hoping someone will take it home. You know, something-that-is-still-useful-that-I-feel-terrible-throwing-out-but-don't-know-what-else-to-do-with. Usually when I do this, this man swoops down--sort of like the seagulls--and tosses it into the bin before I get back from my car again with my next bunch of trash. Anyway, today he was marching around and singing this song: da-da-dadada, dadadaaa.....da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-daaaa-da....you know the song?  He is kind of a short man, non-descript and marching--knees up and arms swinging--in a crisp, fresh sort of way. A pleasant smile on his face. He doesn't make eye contact with anyone, just makes his way through his rounds, picking up trash and keeping a general good order to everything in a brisk, efficient manner.

I try not to stare. I want to watch and take a picture and laugh and ask him why....why is he playing this music? I mean it would have been totally different if he had been playing Led Zeppelin or Earth, Wind and Fire; that would have just seemed like background music. But it wasn't that; it was a patriotic marching song. It was loud and clear and he was marching and singing along to it! And then I thought, well why not? I mean, here I am writing a blog post about it, for goodness sake. I am trying not to laugh out loud thinking about it as I write this inside the hushed library. And so again I will just say, Why Not?!

Expect good things....

Breath-taking November Beauty....

"Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace 

all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty."

Albert Einstein

Yesterday I pulled into my driveway. The gravel and dried leaves crunched under my tires. My radio was playing a classic-rock song by Queen. As Freddy Mercury crooned on, my eye caught movement in the backyard. I turned down the radio and shut off the ignition. There, nearly camouflaged by the autumnal colors, stood a male deer with a sizable rack on his head. He stood as still as a stone. I watched him through the windshield of the car; he was unmoving. I gathered up my belongings and quietly opened the door. I gingerly walked across the gravel until I reached the first stone of the walkway to the house and stopped. It was fairly quiet. I heard a distant car on the road a short distance away. There was a lone crow cawing across the yard and the breathing of this silent, strong buck.

We looked at each other; there was something so direct and still and steady in his gaze.
I said out loud: "You take good care. You are welcome and safe in this yard. You are beautiful."
It was a sweet moment---that steady, unmoving gaze watching me.
I took a breath and went inside the house.

In reference to Mr. Einstein's quote, here is a video that is so beautiful, I can barely think of
words to describe it; you have to watch it HERE.  It is a murmuration which is the proper name
for a flock of starlings. The event itself is a phenomenon which I have witnessed, 
but never to this extent.
Beyond that though, is the sheer joy and absolute awe of the two film- makers.
Watch it and pass it on....life is good!

Expect good things.....

A Long Time Gone....

Sunflowers, August 2011

If you are trying to be a vital player in this internet-texting-social media world, what I have done over the past 5 months is definitely not recommended. It is not a good idea to start a blog, write it for a while, get a little better at it, have a few people interested-reading-commenting on it and then just plain-old stop writing it. That is not a good idea.  It goes into the "Don't try this at home" category.

I don't even want to bore you with all of the reasons why that happened. Just know that I was very, very busy with my life and felt I had very little to give to anything other than the daily needs of whatever job I was working, my family, my household--never did get the grass cut before the landlord came by--and my own well-being.

Old Tractor, July 2011

Life right now is really racing by. Things feel like they are happening really quickly. Ned is a senior in high school and making his way towards the next chapter in his life....which will also be the next chapter in my life. There is much turmoil, unrest, and action happening in our country and around the world. I like the drive, the spunk, the energy in all of it.  I like the passion that people are feeling about what is happening to the world. I like being a part of the world. I think this is a good time to write about, document in photos and share with you. 

Rye Grass, July 2011

Expect good things.....